THE CARESS IN ITS TOUCH

Dear Mom,

Voila! Happy Mother`s day. Its been uhh-- 18 years since i last laid my eyes on you. Sorry Mom, I hope you wouldn`t blame me for not being able to remember you face. I hope you won`t get mad at me if i don`t talk to you much often than i should. I hope you wouldn`t get jealous because Tita Ollay knows me better. and we`ve spent more time together. I hope you understand that there are certain things that I cannot just tell you. I am afraid you cannot decipher what I really feel. It`s just so hard to explain some things that doesn`t need a single explanation. Stupid right? I know.. I owe you my life Mom.

Oh well, I have to believe that I have a Mom. I do. I have to.. because you`re there. Your existence completes my soul. and I know that someone out there cares for me, loves me the most and longs for me.. I know!

But sheeesh Mom, I cannot remember your face.. I only recognize your smile by the polaroids you gave me and your laughters over the phone.

I actually grew up in the solace of my room, wishing that someone is here with me. (thats you, ofcourse!). Its not because I feel out of place whenever i saw some mother-daughter bonding blahblah., But this is because i feel so incomplete. Not whole in a sense that life has been bitter to me. You know, i would have been happier if you`re here. I would have told you major secrets I`ve been dying to spit out.

My guilt has been killing me. I knew it. Im soo sorry if i speak like you`re not my biological mother. wala lang. Sorry if i have to let you know/feel that im empty handed. Yeah, I wanted to go there and spend time with you, my step dad and brother. But i don`t wanna live there! Peace mom! :)) I feel so ewan for not appreciating you and what you did for me. So again, Im sorry. Iloveyou Mommy.

I find myself reinventing, again.. What else? ..For my Mom, having someone like me is a miracle. You call it a miracle? Of course, Im very familiar with their stories. When you conceived a child, you wanted to call her Pamela.. right? But I dunno why my name was changed to Katrina. i love it. I just hated the first name which is Anna.. aha! Anna Katrina that is. I know that the child inside your womb is no longer moving. The physicians told you to have the child removed as soon as possible and the only solution is by the use of vacuum (not the vacuum cleaner!). `The neonate is dead!` they uttered. I am the first child and my mom would have drown herself because of emotional depression too. My mom cried.. for thousand times.. knowing that her child is now an angel but still attached to her mother`s placenta. She still cannot contain her emotions, she dumped her gynecologist and thought of a second choice. They headed to a great obstetrician, at last.. They`re wrong. Very wrong. They found out that i was moving freely inside my mom with the amniotic fluid as my pool. My mom cried again for God has been soo goood. Sorry mom if I kept you worried and made you cry. now, wipe those tears away.

On the 24th of June, an angel named Kaye was born. she`ll be forever thankful to God for giving her a wonderful mom. the angel asked.. `How can i not love you for that?`

i love you Mommy! ♥

it`ll always be me,
kaye