NO BUTTER ADDED.

shut up. waaah. ive been stucked here for a long time. 48hours.. doing nothing. sleeping. blogging. critiquing. writing. reading. haaah. by the way, im soo excited! guess what? wooohooo! just plain excited for tomorrow. today is fine. tomorrow will be great. weird, eh?

lets go out! i need some booze!


IBA NA NGA BA TAYO?

Ang tinutukoy ko ay ang kabataang pinoy. ano, iba na nga ba ang ihip ng panahon? ang utak ng mga kabataan sa ngayon? ano na? nasaan na tayo?

saan nga ba? eto, pokus ng atensyon ng mga nakatatanda. pinag-iinitan. pinag-sasamantalahan. pinag-chichismisan. pinagtatawanan. puro na lang tayo. bakit hindi naman sila minsan? bakit kaya tayo ang lagi nilang pinag-uusapan? ..kasi iba na daw tayo ngayon. MAPUSOK. totoo ba?

marami na akong kakilala na sa murang edad any may anak na. huminto sa pag-aaral, napariwara dahil itinakwil ng magulang, nangungutang dahil walang pambili ng gatas ng sanggol, nangdedelihensya dahil gustong ipalaglag ang bata, nagpapa-suso, kumakayod para sa pamilyang ginawa nila at marami pang iba. kasi naman, ang aga kasi nilang maglandi. (pasensya na sa mga matatamaan..) sa ilang minutong paraiso, habangbuhay na impyerno ang dadanasin. ewan ko ba. hindi kasi nag-iisip. sana ginawa niyo yan ng may pag-iingat ng hindi nabubuo ang bata sa sinapupunan. para saan pa ang condom at mga kung anu-anong inimbento ng siyensya? edi para may masabi lang na may pangontra. pero sa totoo, hindi naman talaga nagagamit.

yan nga, lumalabas ang katigasan ng ulo nating mga pinoy. simpleng instruksyon hindi pa maintindihan. ano ba? isipin naman natin ang mga magiging epekto ng mga ginagawa natin. sa susunod, mag-isip tayo.. ha? para walang gusot na dapat lusutan. at huwag naman sana puro eksperimento. mahirap na.

nakakatawa. para akong matanda kung magsalita. wala lang, naisip ko lang na gumawa na tama ngayong araw na ito. at sa palagay ko, maraming magagalit sa akin na ka-edad ko pag nabasa nila ang mga pinagsususulat ko dito. gusto ko lang marinig nila ang pananaw ko tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay. masarap magsulat lalu na kung totoo.

sa dami ng mga mapupuna ko sa mga kabataan sa ngayon, isa pa lang yan. kung ilalagay ko dito lahat., magmumukha naman kaming makasalanan. o diba, parang inaamin ko na may kasalanan din ako. malamang, lahat naman tayo meron.

pangalawa, masyadong nagiging curious ang kabataan sa ngayon. nariyan na ang yosi, drugs, marijuana, shabu, alak.. etc. lahat na ng nakaka-adik pinasukan na nila. para ano? para maging `COOOOOOL`. at masabi nilang Coool ako pare. ano? natamaan ka? kasi hindi ka in pag hindi ka nakisali sa mga sessions ng tropa? patapon ka dahil hindi ka kabilang sa kanila. tae ka dahil hindi ka sunod sa uso. mahinang klase ka dahil takot ka. ..ano? ganun ba yun? o gusto mong maramdaman kung bakit sila masyadong adik sa mga ganitong bagay. hindi niyo ba alam na nakakamatay ang pagiging curious sa mga bagay.. okay lang naman na subukan. lahat naman tayo sumubok. lahat tayo naging masama kahit sa unang pagkakataon. pero ang pangit doon ay yung tipong nalululong ka sa mga pinagbabawal ng lipunan. sa madaling salita, unti-unti kang kinakain ng mga nasbukan mo. at sa huli, ayan.. adik ka na.

hindi ako nagmamalinis na hindi ko nasubukan ang mga ganyang bagay. oo, nasubukan ko na magyosi. sino ba namang hindi? ..diba? 2nd year highschool yung una.. pero hindi ko nagustuhan dahil ayaw ko ng lasa, ng usok, ng epekto.. at kung anu-ano pa. sabi nila masarap daw.. nyeeee! sagwa ng lasa..sobra! so, anong kinasarap nun? tapos nakaka-ubo pa. tignan mo nga, nakakagago. hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong meron sa yosi at patuloy pa rin nilang inuubos ang pera at inaaksaya ang segundong nalalabi dito sa mundo.. anong satisfaction ang nakukuha nila doon? wala naman diba? ahh.. baka gusto nilang ma-ospital. magkaron ng TB. Lung Cancer. sakit sa kung saan saang parte ng katawan.. lahat lahat na. alam ba ninyo na sa almost lahat ng sakit ay laging nangunguna ang yosi sa mga dahilan kung paano ka nagkakaroon ng ganito at ganyang sakit. greatest enemy ko yang yosi.. dahil sa kanya, may habangbuhay na sakit ang lolo ko. at sa mga taong inaakalang nagyoyosi ako, hell noooooo. hindi talaga. mabait akong bata at para sa iyong impormasyon, sinusumpa ko siya. mamatay ka na yosi!

dumako naman tayo sa alak. aminado ako, umiinom ako. nalalasing. pero hindi naman yung pariwara sa alak. tamang inom lang. kung tutuusin, mas tanggap pa nga ng gobyerno ang alak kesa sa sigarilyo. e tama naman. though dapat tama lang. wag sosobra. kasi naman, ang mga teenagers ngayon, inom dito, inom doon. lasing dito, lasing doon. kaya naman pagkatapos malasing, hindi na alam ang nangyari kinabukasan.. yung tipong nagalaw pala siya ng hindi niya alam dahil sa sobrang kalasingan. yun lang naman ang iniiwasan ng mga nakatatanda.. okai lang sana uminom kung kilala mo ang mga ka-inuman mo. at nakasisiguro ka bang nasa tamang pag-iisip yang mga yan? e pag nakainom kasi ang tao, nag-iiba na ang takbo ng utak. nag-iinit ang katawan. kaya ayun.. ang milagrong iniiwasan ay nangyayari.

madami pa sana akong nais isulat.. nakakapagod lang lalu na`t para kong kinokotra ang panahon namin.

OO nga.. iba na kami ngayon.


WHO ARE WE KIDDING?

argh. ive been draining my mind with these emo songs for three consecutive days. shit man! you know who you are.. (well, maybe you don`t have an idea who am i talking about). No violent reaction please. he shouldn`t be named because someone might read this entry and i don`t want `them` to misinterpret the stuff ill write here. okay, he is a friend. A close friend. but now, i wanna throw those fuckin memories. basta.. im bad, i know! its just soo hard to explain what we`ve been through.. then unearthly circumstances.. hahah! OMFG! i wanna twist his legs and his head so he can feel the pain. Don`t get me wrong.. its not me. its not even about me. im not involved in this idiotic situation. But a very dear friend is.. she is the one who`s involved in the scene. so, where`s the act? haha! you can`t seem to get the picture.. right?! someday, it`ll be clearer. for today, this is all i can share. For as long as my heart is pounding, all i wanna do is to curse and curse you. It`s sooo BS. BullShit man!

i hate you sooo much. open your eyes. don`t need to pretend we`re okay because with what you`ve done to my friend, im afraid we cannot be friends anymore. i hate you. adieu.


IM LOST.

Haay. i can`t seem to find anything right now. my happiness. my life. my love. wherefore art thou?
--
i wanna end that line. stop it. case closed. enough. hmmm.. today, im fine. sleep and wake. sleep and wake. tsss. its been four straight hours..wala lang, im just facing this stupid pc doing nothing. well, im used to it. checking mails, multiply, ym (invi mode as always!) etc.. laboness.
--
monday - im not feeling well. but still had a morning duty.

tuesday - kyyr`s birthday. 4ks bonding session at starbucks. heart to heart talk with my girls. haha! each of us is.. basta! :)) chende na yun. amin na lang. it`s complicated. when i got home, grabe.. i can`t breathe! grabe! my temp is 38.6.. taas! hyperthermia. then, my abdominal pain is killing me. i don`t even know if it is dysmenorrhea. cos its a way different. upper pain eh.

wed - pumasok pa din ako. yeah!! louie`s birthday.. when i got home, may lagnat pa din ako. and i slept for 3hours. i was awakened by yen`s message.. louie is inviting us to their house in pasig. celebration of his 2oth. it was a surprise party, actually. but his family was the one who arranged it. so there, sobrang na-surprised nga siya when he saw his relatives their. as in reunion. then, he haven`t invited anyone coz he didn`t even know what was going on. so, there.. sobrang on the spot invitation. waaaah. i hardly says no to anyone. so yun, i wen there with yen. then, wala ngang blue people. solid family affair. we all laugh out loud cos its true pala. we thought he was just joking para pumunta kami. aliw. grabe men! then, we drank louie`s version of subzero. oh shit shit. may sakit nga pala ko, i forgot!

thurs - puyat. did our report for tomorrow. epidermoid cyst. Da Vinci Code.

fri - Meh`s confession. sleeping makes me feel brandnew.

so, lets call it a WEEK.


THE CARESS IN ITS TOUCH

Dear Mom,

Voila! Happy Mother`s day. Its been uhh-- 18 years since i last laid my eyes on you. Sorry Mom, I hope you wouldn`t blame me for not being able to remember you face. I hope you won`t get mad at me if i don`t talk to you much often than i should. I hope you wouldn`t get jealous because Tita Ollay knows me better. and we`ve spent more time together. I hope you understand that there are certain things that I cannot just tell you. I am afraid you cannot decipher what I really feel. It`s just so hard to explain some things that doesn`t need a single explanation. Stupid right? I know.. I owe you my life Mom.

Oh well, I have to believe that I have a Mom. I do. I have to.. because you`re there. Your existence completes my soul. and I know that someone out there cares for me, loves me the most and longs for me.. I know!

But sheeesh Mom, I cannot remember your face.. I only recognize your smile by the polaroids you gave me and your laughters over the phone.

I actually grew up in the solace of my room, wishing that someone is here with me. (thats you, ofcourse!). Its not because I feel out of place whenever i saw some mother-daughter bonding blahblah., But this is because i feel so incomplete. Not whole in a sense that life has been bitter to me. You know, i would have been happier if you`re here. I would have told you major secrets I`ve been dying to spit out.

My guilt has been killing me. I knew it. Im soo sorry if i speak like you`re not my biological mother. wala lang. Sorry if i have to let you know/feel that im empty handed. Yeah, I wanted to go there and spend time with you, my step dad and brother. But i don`t wanna live there! Peace mom! :)) I feel so ewan for not appreciating you and what you did for me. So again, Im sorry. Iloveyou Mommy.

I find myself reinventing, again.. What else? ..For my Mom, having someone like me is a miracle. You call it a miracle? Of course, Im very familiar with their stories. When you conceived a child, you wanted to call her Pamela.. right? But I dunno why my name was changed to Katrina. i love it. I just hated the first name which is Anna.. aha! Anna Katrina that is. I know that the child inside your womb is no longer moving. The physicians told you to have the child removed as soon as possible and the only solution is by the use of vacuum (not the vacuum cleaner!). `The neonate is dead!` they uttered. I am the first child and my mom would have drown herself because of emotional depression too. My mom cried.. for thousand times.. knowing that her child is now an angel but still attached to her mother`s placenta. She still cannot contain her emotions, she dumped her gynecologist and thought of a second choice. They headed to a great obstetrician, at last.. They`re wrong. Very wrong. They found out that i was moving freely inside my mom with the amniotic fluid as my pool. My mom cried again for God has been soo goood. Sorry mom if I kept you worried and made you cry. now, wipe those tears away.

On the 24th of June, an angel named Kaye was born. she`ll be forever thankful to God for giving her a wonderful mom. the angel asked.. `How can i not love you for that?`

i love you Mommy! ♥

it`ll always be me,
kaye


because that`s how i roll..

i murdered a baseball bat. tsss. pathetic.


ANOTHER DAY OF BLUES

waaah. im hectic.. but i know i have to write. tsss. i can`t explain what im feeling right now and i dunno if this is because of frappé. oh my god! for the very first time, i felt something very unusual. as in. i cannot control this feeling inside me. i hate it. i can`t breathe.. i even checked my vital signs and man, the cardinal signs are above the normal range. i was like numb for 40minutes.. staring somewhere. thinking what went wrong coz i`ve felt some elemental forces embracing the whole room.

wooohoo! as if im having an emotional depression. its kinda weird to talk about it. its kinda weird to hear it. its weird. sooo weird. just weird.

i felt like im being possessed. labo ba? weird ..isnt it? everything as in everything is definitely wrong. haaah. its even hard to express what`s inside my mind. it may be hard to understand.. but that`s what i really feel. i used to believe that i was a normal human being. but now, haaaah. im supernatural. i don`t have powers. i don`t see them.. but i can feel them. oh my god! i never saw them coming but now, i know they`re here.

for those who understand, thank you.


does it make you indie?

hmm. ive been busy these past few days. definitely, i miss working with my trusty hands, my double-packed eyes and my feeble brain. the hell, i miss writing. haaay. its all about blahblahness.

i told you: i cannot write anymore!


THE SPOT TO FIND IT

Are u photogenic?
> sabi nila,oo daw. nyak!
What time do you go to bed?
> it depends on my duty sched. but most of the time, 11pm.
What was the last thing you did before this?
> bloghop.
Who's the person you'll call if you need help?
> hmm..my bestfriend.
What's on your mind right now ?
> dunno.
With whom do you wanna be with to have fun?
> my barkada or anyone as long as masaya and corny.
What movie do u wanna watch now?
> right now? m.i. iii and da vinci
When was the last time you went out? with who?
> last saturday. with pam, nell, nadz and pam`s family.
What do you do everyday besides eat & sleep?
> brush my teeth
Colors that make you happy ?
> brown. black. white. tan. orange.
Most fave thing in your room ?
> my hotdog pillow
Plan to buy something?
> yeah, but im still working on it.
Are you satisfied with your life now?
> uhmm..i guess?
Do you like seafood?
> yupyupyup. i sooo love any kind of seafood.
Breakfast or dinner?
> the most important meal of the day, breakfast.
like chocolates?
> chocoholic..present!
What's your favorite fast food?
> anythin.
Cats or dogs?
> i used to hate animals. but now, i would love to own a dog.
Salty or sweet?
> sweet
Is kissing normal for your age?
> tss. a kiss is a kiss. well, other teens assume that its pretty normal but for me its something beyond the normal range. sohoreh, conservative eh.
Are you athletic?
> tryin to be one.
favorite band for now?
> favoritism oh. don`t have any favorite chukchak. pero tsss... madami, sobra! i might have a crime if ill mention my favorite band.
Do you have your own cell phone?
> yes
What do you wear to bed?
> anythin comfortable
Ever had a crush on a teacher in highschool?
> hehe. wala eh.
Coke or pepsi?
> water
sugar or spice?
> a little of both
Can you use chopsticks?
> uh-huh
Do you care about getting good grades?
> of course.
Have you ever fallen asleep in class?
> countless timessssss.
Get a job or ask your parents for money?
> ive always wanted to get a job but they (my mom and lolo) wouldn`t want me to. for experience lang. so, ask myself for money na lang. i don`t ask them to give me money.
Is your mom strict?
> super duper megaloblastic STRICT ever.
Do your parents give you enough privacy?
> yeah
Do your parents trust you?
> of course.
Would you ever wanna lose your bestfriends?
> tss. of course not. omg. who would want to?
Do you make friends quickly?
> yes. with just a snap of your fingers. im extra friendly to those people who are also friendly and approachable.
Do you tell your mom everything?
> no. there are honestly some things that my mom doesn`t know about me..
What do you & your parents fight bout most?
> i don`t live with them. i don`t know.
If u love someone & she/he rejected you,what will you do to him/her?
> nothin. cry, if you have to.. ill think positive, get over him and finally, move on.. blahblah.
can you sing/rap?
> i can sing but you`ll end up laughing if ever you will hear it..lalalalalalala
If u have one wish , wat is it?
> wisha wisha... secreet!
Have u ever fallen in love w/ a friend?
> tssss..
Are you in a relationship? who?
> not really
biggest regret in life?
> i never regret the things i did before.
Best place you'd rather be?
> HEAVEN. because i am an angel.
Last time u cried?
> i wouldn`t want to remember.
Most embarassing thing u did for love?
> secret.
Are you inlove right now?
> im happy.
Is someone in-love with u?
> tss. how would i know?