part of twenty something theory.

i shouldve curse myself for making such a theory. people, i just wanna share a simple blah not . i told you earlier that i won`t ever do this again (well, i mean, publishing an entry and let the people know what i truly feel.) but my mind is numb. im weak. but as my brain is being poisoned by some toxins, i threw it all up.

for now, here`s an old stuff written by my kabarkada. imissyou ken.

Shifts and a Comeback
By the Student Writer

It started with a search
and with a prayer
On that night I heard you
You whisper those words of anticipation-
`Papa Lord, on or before June 24`

_._._._. is nice, his friends say so
and we all met him since
you were looking for that kind of guy
and you did find him
but it was nothing.
He`s nice, yes!
A perfect gentleman and the smell..hmm.
but you were just friends.
He was such a fool not to see
that we all like him for you
he thought it was just a joke
a joke accompanied by boisterous laughs.
you were the two who should be on a chase
not him and i.
but i guess even if you do
he`ll still not chase you.
its not that you`re not pretty because you are
but because he has his LIFE.
he`d rather wait and date
than dance with you
the gorgeous debutant who first waited.

it was a fine day, we were headed somewhere
then we saw the curls,
the eyes and that fine skin.
bess and i said it`s him.
as days go by you were attracted
and then we settled for the library.
the sketch of your life had colors-
it was turquoise.
it was brown.
a `hi` plus a wave made you smile.
then suddenly you were blinded!
blinded by that RAY of light.

Then we were on our vacations
and you had the chance to see him again.
you never broke up with him
and you do love him.
on that outing you were his PRINCESS.
and he offered you reds:
red eggs
red tomatoes
redhorse
and his read heart!
and now that he`s back-
GO WIN HIM BACK!
you are his student
and he`s your mentor.
he taught you how to love,
how to search and wait
now you should also teach him,
teach him how to open his eyes.


he`s your storyteller
you are his listener.

i hope those stories he share are yours
stories of your friendship and passion.
make your own story,
your own happy ending.

the Princess deserves to be happy-
in the loving arms of her Prince Bestie.

realization: the princess is miserably unhappy.


the heat of the sun + boredom = OBESITY.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
bumbumbum. BUM. waaah. obviously, got nothin to do down here. id better pack my things up and be ready for my summer class tomorrow with my barkada. its weird coz iv been helplessly thinking of making this summer a blast. come on, how could it possibly be? tskstk. i hate school (well, not really) coz a part of me wanted to learn but i soooo love my barkada and friends there and i really miss yen,pam,papsy and john. could we possibly get out someday? what the fuck.. we need that! ohmygoood!

one whole week: 7am-7pm. no break allowed. as in. that`s bullshit. i mean, whoa! are you kidding us? but, mahn, they`re not kiddin. haha so that means goodluck for us.

over here. life at home. haaaah. ilove it but i hate it.. perchance you might ask.. i dunno but i wanna sleep and sleep (yeah, thats all i wanna do) but how could i ever have my siesta?? sooo hoooot! hotness here in manila. ohmygod. i can barely feel the oil from my face. tsktsk. gotta go, im ready to fry.


find your favorite.



note: the picture up there is not my favorite drink. thus, i don`t put justice on that beverage. just read the conversation part down there.. then, youll get what i mean.

i cant remember the last time i had an espresso. i think that was about a year ago. ay, no. last december pala. i hate espresso and coffees but my love for starbucks is always flaunted. i usually have rhumba frap (which became my favorite and oh, reminds me of someone). but sb discontinued it. waaah. so, no more rhumba for this pathetic girl. imiss rhumba. rhumba. rhumba. though it contains a hundred and more and more and more and more calories, i doooont care..

blech. another no-so-chuchu entry for ya guys. sorry. hehe. i just studied the whole day. and after this, ill drain my mind again and focus on what im reading.. my pathology reviewer for finals. renal-endocrine-neuro. mygawd. i duwana get a grade lower than a hundred twenty. 150 items kasi yun. its all good. i promise to get what i want this time. haha.

mygawd, where am i? typing blahblahness..crap! this would be the last time.

so..back to what i was saying.. i went at starbucks,tomas. my comfort zone. when im depressed, i go there. when im happy, i go there. when i feel uncomfortable, i go there. when someone would ask me to go there, i will go there. when je and i wanted to make some cheesy kwentos and all, we go there. when i want to see my favorite baristas, i go there. (kudos to ate blend and kuya mark and kuya-i-forgot). when im craving for something, i go there. when the moon is bright, i go there. when the busy not-so-busy-streets of tomas is busy, we go there. when when when.. whenever! basta kung kelan namin gusto, pupunta kami coz theres this something na meron sila na wala ang ibang branches. we feel more comfortable here than anywhere else (except for franz,of course) but when im hungry.. I DON`T GO THERE.

i went there alone to study. i don`t want anyone to disrupt me.

usapan namin ni favorite baristang mark..
mark: yes?
kaye: white choco mocha.. venti
mark: hoy! bakit ka malungkot?
kaye: ha? wala laang.
mark: parang iba ngayon ang order mo?
kaye: hmpf.
mark: wag ka gumanyan, hindi bagay sayo.
kaye: *grins* kasi naman..
mark: bakit? *smiles*
kaye: *shouted* kasi wala ng rhumba!
mark: ah..ganun ba yun?
kaye: oo. wag na kasi i-discontinue.
mark: yaan mo, sasabihin ko.
kaye: *smile*
mark: *smile*

after 30 mins.. back to where i was. counter ampf.

kaye: dumila kay kuya mark.
mark: dumila din sa akin.. hi kaye!
kaye: one belgian waffle
mark: how about the toppings?
kaye: caramel
mark: 70pesos
kaye: sabay abot ng money
mark: mina-microwave yung waffle.
kaye: *looking somewhere*
mark: ay, ano ulit yung toppings?
kaye: ha? yung tatlong toppings (i literally changed my mind) ang bingi kasi ni kuya mark! waha..
mark: hindi nga? seryoso? ano talaga?
kaye: yung tatlo talaga (strawberry, caramel and chocolate)
mark: sige ah, gusto mo yan ah..
kaye: oo. sige. so, ginagawa na niya.. i wonder, ano kayang lasa nun? nakakasuka. blech. tas white choco mocha pa yung drink ko. nyemas!
mark: here`s your order kaye. sorry for waiting.
kaye: *shocked* whoa!!! (ang ganda pare., ayokong kainin. haha!) and lahat ng nasa sb nakatingin sa tray ko. maybe they`re wondering kung ao un.) mainggit kayo mehn. ako lang ang pwede dun. hehe. joke. possible naman siya as long as the barista is nice and willing to make something extraordinary.
kaye: wow! thanks!
mark: *wink + thumbs up sign.*

*nakks. work of love ah?* ganda ng pagkakagawa. haha! the best kuya mark. one of the best sweet stuff on earth. i have found my favorite. thanks.


i know i must spend my spare time alone. hafta read my pathology photocopies since our finals is on thursday. will i bleed on that day? ..i hope not.

btw, i read an entry from a friend`s journal. haha! she did an entry for me and was able to put it in public. ayos lang. that was february something something.. about valentine`s. so, get the picture?

im glad you made it just for me. imissyou. mwah.


mabuti naman akong bata, diba?

ive been busy these past few days. nyah. busy with nothing. kakaisip. tapos kanina, nag-away pa kami ng lola ko. ewan ko ba. ang labo. lagi na lang siyang galit sa akin. naghihimutok sa galit.

una, kasalanan ko ba kung tahimik ako at ayaw kong magsalita kung minsan? ano bang gusto niyang marinig? yung nasa loob ko? na galit ako? gusto niya ba ng reaksyon ko? ewan ko na lang kung anong gagawin niya kung sakaling mabasa niya ito. basta. pasalamat nga siya at hindi ko na lang siya sinasagot. baka kung ano pang masabi ko. e alam naman naming lahat na sobrang may pagaka sensitibo siya. kaya heto`t minamabuti ko na lang manahimik. nakakapagod kasi magsalita kung minsan. kaya kadalasan ay kamay ko na lang ang nagpaparating kung ano mang gustong marinig ng ibang tao. hindi ako galit sa lola ko. ang akin lang e sana maintindihan niya ko. sobra na kasi siyang nagiging strikto sa akin. e ayaw ko pa naman ng sinasakal ako. basta, alam kong hindi niya ako naiintindihan. masyado kasi siyang perekto. siguro, matapos kong ilathala itong nasa loob ko, magiging masaya na ako. makakahinga na ako ng maluwag. matagal ko na rin kasi itong tinatago. salamat at nariyan ka aking kaibigan.

ikalawa, marahil kasalanan nga ang pagsuway sa mga utos. inaamin ko, marami akong mga maling nagawa. pero hindi naman sana umaabot sa punto na pagsabihan ako ng blacksheep. demonyo. salbahe. maldita. suwail na apo. blahblah.. marahil madalas mong marinig yang mga katagang iyan sa palabas. parang wala lang, diba? pero sa totoong buhay, nakakaiyak. ang sakit tanggapin na binitawan ka ng mga ganoong pananalita ng lola mo. maraming beses ko na siyang nakitang umiyak. siyempre, buong pamilya ko siya ang kakampihan.. wala naman akong magagawa dun. pero hindi ko rin kayang umiyak. ayoko. ayokong umiyak. walang makakapilit sa aking umiyak. kung tutuusin, nagtatago ako pag napupuno na ang mga mata ko ng luha. tila nagbabadya na itong tumulo, sabay pagpunta sa cr at doon ibuhos ang lahat sabay ligo para hindi halata. gusto kong makita nilang matatag ako at hindi umiiyak. ganun talaga ako. walang nakakaalam ng kahinaan ko kundi ang sarili ko.

natatandaan mo ba nung nagpaalam ako na mag-rerent kami ng apartment ng mga kabarkada ko para malapit sa school? hindi ka pumayag diba? okai lang sakin. pero alam mo ba na isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit gusto kong lumisan ng bahay? kasi naririndi na ako sa kaingayan mo. sa pag puna mo sa mga ginagawa ko. sa pagsermon sa akin. gusto kong ma-feel mo yung worth ko at ma-miss ako.

at huli, kasalanan ko ba kung paborito ako ng lolo ko? lagi na lang iyan ang dahilan niya. porket paborito ako. e ano namang koneksyon? di ko get. magagalit ka dahil paborito ako? dahil yung iba kong mga pinsan hindi naman ganun ang pagtrato ni lolo sa kanila? ayoko sa lahat yung kinukumpara kami ng pinsan ko. iba ako at iba sila. may kanya kanya kaming estado sa buhay. si trixie, achiever. si lovejoy, warfreak. ako? walang kwenta. tsss. labo. mahal ako ni lolo. mahal kaming magpipinsan ni lolo. alam namin yan. pero siguro, naiintindihan ako ng lolo ko sa ibang paraan. nagpapasalamat ako dahil meron akong lolo na nakakaintindi sa akin at sa mga ginagawa ko. nasasaktan ako dahil hindi mo ako maintindihan. parang kailangan ko pang ipaintindi sayo ang tunay kong nararamdaman. sinasabi mo na lagi akong pinagtatanggol ni lolo. oo nga. pero kung gugustuhin ko, kaya ko naman ipagtanggol ang sarili ko at labanan ang mga binitiwan mong salita. pero hindi ko pa rin maaalis sa isip ko na lola kita, nirerespeto kita, malaki ang utang na loob ko sayo dahil ikaw ang nag-aruga`t nagpalaki sa isang demonyong tulad ko, ikaw ang humubog sa akin, nagturo kung anong tama`t mali at hindi maaalis sa isip ko na mahal na mahal kita dahil tinuturing kitang isang ina.

oo na, makapal na ang mukha ko`t nakapagbitiw ako ng mga ganitong salita. hindi ko rin inaasahan ito. gusto ko lang naman sanang mailabas kung ano ang tunay kong nararamdaman. hindi pa rin magbabago ang pagrespeto ko sayo. mama jus, mahal kita.


1.Badtrip ka ba ngayon?
nowf.

2.bakit ka naman badtrip?
dein nga ako badtrip.

3.kumain kana ba?
yuff. cream-o & orange juice.

4.Cnong huli mong nakausap sa fone?
my mOm?

5.Aalis/umalis ka ba ngayon?
yup.

6.San ka naman pupunta/pmunta?
shang

7.Ano ang favorite mong chocolate?
reese`s peanut butter cup.

8.mahilig ka ba mag-basa ng libro?
yeah.

9.may binabasa ka bang book ngayon?
uh-huh. actually, 2 silang book.. so, i cant decide kung alin ang uunahin. this week, may bago na namang book na babasahin from donna. haha!

10.eh magsulat?
sooooper doooooper mega blockbuster writer.

11.Anong martial arts ang natutunan mo?
wtf! counted ba yung taebo? nyaha!

12.Anong favorite food mo?
favorite? oh man, madami. linchak! favorite nga e! (so, i hafta choose one.) which ever boooger! joke* uhmm.. let`s just say na i don`t have a precise judgment on almost every taste. for all i know, sa lahat ng resto na napuntahan ko.. meron akong favorite sa menu nila. okies? pero here are some of my all time faves: COMBOS, TUNA MUSHROOM MELT, TOCINO+SALTED EGG+TOMATOES, FRIES, PIZZA, CARBONARA, BELGIAN WAFFLE TOPPED WITH WHIPPED CREAM & CARAMEL, KREFT CHEEZ WHIZ, CHEESE, CHOCOLATE MARBLE, HOPIA NG GOLDILOCKS, MANGO CREAM PIE, TUNA SA PLATO WRAP, ADOBONG MANOK NI ATE WENA, KARE-KARE NI TITA OLLAY, TUNA SPAGHETTI NI TITA MAYET, CHICKEN PASTEL.. waaaah! takaw! (CLUE: BASTA WAG LANG MAY MILK OR ANYTHING WITH GATA!) wahah

13.nahihirapan ka na ba?
sa situation? OO.

14.eh anong balak mong gawin?
mag daydream. magsusulat ako ng magsusulat tapos magtatago lang ako. hindi nila ako makikita kasi nga nakatago ako. blech. tapos magiging neuro pediatric surgeon ako na may tatlo hanggang apat na anak kapiling ang aking mahal na asawa. dream on.

15.pero masaya ka naman?
yeah. but there are perfectly good reasons why people should be lonely.

16.mahilig ka ba sa mga musicians/bands?
yup! sobra!

17.yung minamahal mo ba kapit bahay nio lang?
nope. toooo far from where i am right now.

18.ano tingin mo sa survey na toh?
tulad ng iba, pa-cool.

19.pano ka talaga magselos?
secret.

20. eh pano kung nafall yung mahal mo sa
bestfriend mo?
hala.

21.Cnong last na nag-sermon sayo?
LOLA.

22.magpapaka-good girl/boy kana ba?
good girl ako. pero para sa lola ko, demonyo ako. (ima post later na about sa lola ko)

23.Anong kanta pinapakinggan mo ngayon?
lakambini bottom by datu`s pride.

24.Anong iniinom mo ngayon?
orange juice na sobbrang tapang

25.eh kinakain?
cream o.

27.namimiss mo na ba pinsan mo?
oo naman.

28.cnong nakikita mong tao ngayon diyan?
LJ (my cousin)

29.anong ginagawa niya?
watching a movie habang nagtetext.

30.nasan ang mommy mo?
new york

31.eh kuya mo?
dont have a kuya. pero kuya-kuyahan.. there oh! *sabay turo*

32.eh aso nyo?
wala kaming doggie

33.may fax machine ba kayo?
for what?

34.may lupa ba kayo sa baguio?
sohoreh na. poor lang.

35.anong kulay ng shirt mo ngayon?
green. parang green tea.

36.may aso ba kayo? anong lahi?
none.

37.love mo ba yung aso nio?
not applicable

38.anong nickname mo?
kaye. kakoi. kat. katrina. ate.

39.iyakin ka ba?
im emotionally soft but i dont let anyone na makita akong umiiyak.

40.war freak ka ba?
never.

41.pero masama ka magalit?
ill tell you later


im mourning for my dead brain. i need a help!


i never felt weaker.

last monday, a very happy lil boy came after me. he was like soo giddy and jumping, playing and fooling around with us. when i sat down, i saw a mirror of an obviously normal and happy kid. oh well, pretending to be normal.

i asked him: what`s your name?
little boy: raymart po
me: how old are you?
raymart: thixth (come on, he`s just a kid and it is usual for them to be bulol)
me: bakit ka nandito sa hospital?
raymart: uuwi na nga kami bukas eh.
me: ahhh.. ano bang sakit mo?
raymart: brain abscess
me: talaga? (sabay walk out..)

i cried. not because i pity the child but because i can see his eagerness to live and be happy. he`s just a child and i know that he wanted to feel what life has stored for him. its some sort of `he was being deprived` of being a child.

tears kept on flowing and i can`t stop it.. i left holding his hands in the air and went inside the wash room to at least wipe it. i don`t want him to see me crying. i want him to be full of happiness, hopes and dreams. for kids, crying is a sign of weakness. i wanted him to be strong and face this challenge.

FYI: A brain abscess is a mass of immune cells, pus, and other material that can occur when the brain is infected by bacteria or fungus. and he was confined at the hospital for 3months already. the reason why he wasn`t home yet was because of his illness and second, their hospital bill.

i wanted to do something. as much as possible, i want him to be closer to God. but the next day, he already left the hospital and i haven`t seen his angelic face from then on.


she`s a self-confessed lolo`s girl..

when my mom left me for my dad`s burial in new york, my life has changed. im writing this not for other people which i know could somehow read my entry, not even for my mom but for myself. i`ve never been the type of showing my deep emotions to other people. i grew up like this.. discreet. mysterious. independent. tired of finding real happiness. and living in my world of boredom. inshort, embracing my own silence (hence, the title of my journal which somehow depicts my very own personality). amen.

i thank God for giving me the greatest lolo in the whole wide universe. i know this sounds radical that i can get so pasaway in our house yet my lolo would always run after me and chase all those people who are involved. i know he understands me. he can feel what i feel and he knows how i`ve tried pretend to be okay when im actually not. i should have known that he would not leave me whatever might happen to me, regardless of how many times i disobeyed him.

he is the perfect father figure for me. he would always make sure that everything is fine. he would always drop me off to school and fetch me wherever my feet takes me. he would always check my money if its enough to buy food or necessary things i want. he would even look for ate wena to ask for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. drinking milk is the only thing i disobeyed. every night, may pasalubong. he would always bring my favorite mamon, chocolate marble & hopia from goldilocks, pan de coco, pianono, chips delight, apples and pears, basta.. anything that he knew na i would love to eat.

my lolo is half spanish. he even look like manuel quezon. he`s sooo gwapo in his early years but regardless of his age, he still looks a spanish mestizo. well, he`s not mestizo pala. haha! moreno. that`s why i have a penchant for moreno.

i can`t imagine living my life without Him (insert my lolo`s name here). my prayers always prioritizes my family`s health.. and the next would be.. long life for them since my lolo is suffering from tuberculosis. i wish masuklian ko lahat ng kabutihan na ipinakita niya sa akin. and don`t worry, papalakihin ko ang mga magiging anak ko tulad ng pagpapalaki sakin ng lolo ko. i will be forever thankful for having someone like my lolo in my life. God is good.

i bet, you won`t find anyone na tulad ng lolo ko.. i wish makahanap ako ng tulad niya whom i can spend the rest of my life with.

ilove my lolo soooo much.


i wanted to sleep but my mind is stil refusing the warmth of my bed. just before going offline, i received a text message from nadz, my kabarkada. since im shutting off all my explorer stuff, i decided to write down something though i cannot breathe my own air right now.

i just wanna share with you the message she forwarded on us (the whole barkada!)

NADZ: Guys miss ko na kayo, sobra. namimis ko na yung masayang barkada ko yung mga nagpapatawa pa kahit na may umiiyak na. namimis ko na yug mga bonding moments natin. Yung barahan, asaran, lahat lahat.. Yung pambabara ni Yen, Yung pagiging inosente ni Pam, Yung tawa ni Kaye and Je, Yung pagiging pogi ni Ken, Yung talk about boys with nell, Yung asar ni Jayvee and yung jokes ni papsy. miss ko na talaga kayo. bakasyon na naman. waaa! Love you guys.. mwah!mwah! Gusto ko na kayo makita.. oo nga pala, yung mga single diyan maghanap na ng bf at tumatanda na tayo.

i was touched by this nadz. and im looking forward to see ya`ll guys (after finals)! omg! we have to get out sometime.. oh, i mean anytime soon coz i`ve been helplessly missing ya`ll. i can`t wait to hear kwentos and chismis from each and everyone`s mouth. you guys don`t have an idea how much i`ve been wanting to see ya`ll. im craving for you guys.

just like what foreign posers who wants to learn our language.. this i tell you: (YEN, PAM, KEN, JE, NELL, NADZ, PAPSY, JOHN, JAMIE, JAYVEE) mahal ko kayo! ♥


FAR.. FAR AWAY FROM MY SO-CALLED HOME.

destination: nowhere!

i left home and thought of breathing for awhile but it turns out to be a total surprise for everyone (including me!). i went in angono rizal. too far from home but i couldn`t care less. i just wanna have an adventure and try to observe other people. weird, eh?

i went there because i challenged a friend. i told her that i can go where their house is standing. she told me that it is impossible. mind you, i didn`t even know their address or even their subdivision. i was like biting my fingernails because can`t see nothing but numerous planted mother grass.

i thanked GOD for He`s always leading me on the right path. i can barely imagine myself asking exactly anyone and everyone from there just to help me find this little pink`s house.

i found it! i found it!

but.. she`s not home.

i called her to ask where she was. she even thought that i was joking and she couldn`t believe that i am there. finally, she hurriedly went home to see if i was really there.. waaah! she almost cursed me for finding their house. we just laughed around because of my ka-adikan. we ate somewhere there.. blahblahsaurus. DINE-A-SAUR. Yehes! sisig and cheese sticks are good.

Je, i told you.. i can do it. i can go wherever i want.


KUNG MAY LANGIT PA PARA SA AMING MAGBABARKADA.

artsyyy fartsy. just a thought. when will we be able to witness paradise and feel sweet lullabies? kailan?

YEN, PAM, JE, NELL, KAYE, NADZ AND KEN..

first five names: MISERABLY SINGLE

last two names: TAKEN

we`re empty and bleeding. where is this someone who can make us whole?

si pam and nell 20 na. kami naman, 19 na. tanda! si yen, pam and nell: no boyfriend since birth. kami naman ni je, suffered thorns from the past. hell! ano ba to! we may be grateful for having a great family, crazy barkada and jampacked friends.. but we still lack something. there`s this feeling that you cannot explain. you thought your happy with your life and the rest that the world could offer. but it doesn`t necesarily mean that we need a man to satisfy our soul. we need someone who could protect us.

ang tagal na naming naghihintay para sa Mr.Right ng buhay namin. kailan ka ba darating? hinahanap mo rin ba kami? nakakalungkot pero kailangan ko lang ilabas ito. oo, may mga lalaki sa paligid ng aming mga mata pero mukhang hindi naman sila ang bibihag ng puso namin. ewan. sadyang mapili lang ba kami?

kung sa bagay, minsan ka na nga lang ma-iinlove edi doon na sa isang tao na masasabi mong: `i can spend the rest of my life with`. ang hirap naman kasi maghanap ng ganyan sa ngayon. kung tutuusin, ang gusto talaga namin ni pam.. first and last. baduy na kung baduy.. e ano naman? walang pakelamnanan.

nakakainngit tuloy sila tekaye (ate ni pam) and carlo.. pareho nilang first ang isa`t isa. o diba? ang saya.. gusto ko din sana ng ganun kasi nakikita ko na sobra nilang mahal ang isa`t isa. yung tipong mamamatay yung isa pag nawala ang isa. at tska, sobrang bait ni kuya carlo.. sweet sila at kuntento sila ng nandiyan ang isa`t isa. ewan. *sniff.sniff*

tatanda na lang ata akong nag-iisa at laging sinasaktan. minsan tuloy, nakakaiyak kasi hindi mo maiwasang ma-feel na ganito ka na lang habang buhay. habang buhay aasa at babalewalain.

i need sometime for a while to give my heart away.

di bale, hahanapin ka namin at mahahanap mo din kami. sige, maghanapan tayo. pero sa pagkakataong ito, hindi na namin susubukan pang magtago.


chocolate marble

i just feel like dancing and blogging because of the gravitational pull of the moon. labooo.. i super love this Datu`s pride song: LAKAMBINI BOTTOM. super aliw!

tip: for all those fat ass girls, listen to this song and be inspired.

wala na bang karapatan mainlove ang ubod ng taba? matabamatabamataba..